I can't see the next step

Thankful for the beauty outside, even when I'm an ugly mess on the inside. Our 5th and final round of IUI didn't work and I for one, am heartbroken and confused. We had many reasons to believe this would finally be the time. It's really important to me that I be as transparent in these dark days as I am when the days are bright with hope and expectation.

This week a mighty storm of questions has spilled onto journal pages, into conversations with family and friends, and through outbursts with my Maker. I so want to "keep the faith" but it's like I've had the breath knocked out of my hope. I don't feel like myself and despise this place of bitterness and pain, but I have to wrestle through it. I can't go around. I have to give voice to what I'm feeling and express that to a Father that seems distant, aloof, and unconcerned. He is none of those things. But like Job I'm taking my questions to Him because the moment I shut my mouth, it's like shutting the door of my heart.

I can't see the next step. "Just today. Just be real and honest today" I tell myself. I have no idea what will come in the weeks, months, years ahead. The maddening mix of frustration and surrender is leaving me really empty. But maybe empty in a good way. A few days ago I felt a flicker of desire, and not for a baby. It was to endure this suffering to the end and hear Him say "Well done, good and faithful servant." So there's that. My messy insides that I needed to document and that I hope make their way to any other hearts out there walking through suffocating hardship, loss, or pain. Let's not shut Him out... but ask the questions, raise our fists, and cry out with our hearts. I am grieving but resolving to believe He is for us and will meet us right where we are.