You Are the God Who Sees Me
I feel like I’m jumping into the middle of a conversation. One about longing and questioning. Hoping and believing. And lots and lots of listening and trusting. The kind of trusting that chooses to believe that God isn't done.
I'm looking back to January 2016, after my husband had a dream about Hannah. Reading 1 Samuel 1, I completely resonated with this barren woman. I felt her pain. I knew her longing. I was familiar with the tears poured out at the feet of Jesus. Lord Almighty, if you will only look on my misery and remember me. And not forget me, but give me a baby!
All the while, wondering whether He even had this in the cards for me at all.
I should pause here and state that the Lord usually speaks to me in 3's. There is sometimes a repetition of a theme, an idea, or a word that He wants this stubborn child to receive, lonnng before it actually penetrates my heart and mind. I'm so thankful for His patience with me!
The very day after I studied Hannah's story, I was about to go on stage to lead worship and a friend sent the following text:
I thought this was interesting. In Genesis 3:1 the serpent asks Eve, “Did God actually say...” His first recorded act is to put doubt in the mind of the first woman about what God has said. I immediately thought of Luke 1:45 “Blessed is she who has believed what the Lord has said...” Satan wants to put the tiniest sliver of doubt in our minds because he knows it will fester. Just dwelling on that today. I know God said He is faithful, so I can fix my eyes on that!
In between our church's two services I found myself trying to process with another friend why I am afraid to expect or hope for a baby. I don't believe God has actually promised this to me. How do I pray for something He hasn't promised me?
This wise friend left a handwritten note with me before the second service began:
This is YOUR promise. "Children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb reward. As arrows are in the hard of a warrior, so are the children of one’s youth" (Psalm 127:3-4). Lean in to the Father without doubt or limitation. No more “yeah buts”. See yourself mothering and James fathering. See the two of you parenting in unity. Dare to see yourself with a full womb. Allow it to increase your wonder. Trust God with the rest.
She also referenced Psalm 128:1-4:
Blessed are all who fear the Lord, who walk in obedience to him. You will eat the fruit of your labor;blessings and prosperity will be yours. Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; your children will be like olive shoots around your table. Yes, this will be the blessing for the man who fears the Lord.
After the last service, yet another friend came to the green room to find me and was trembling, holding a piece of paper. She told me that as I was leading Revelation Song, she began to hear God’s words spoken over me:
Hannah, prepare. Your promise is on the way. I am preparing a place physically, emotionally, spiritually. I gave you a promise and I will bring it to pass. Don’t doubt in the darkness what I spoke in the light.
I was reeling. I could barely stand on my own two feet at the weight of these words. Only the Lord could've given my husband a dream about Hannah that would send me to her story. Only the Lord knew how much I saw myself in her as I wept over our shared grief. Only the Lord knew I had done so the very day before. There was no doubt in my mind that God had just turned my question mark into a period. I would have a baby. In whatever way He saw fit, He would give us a child.
These 3 women, who had never spoken to each other about my longing and questions, were all used in a single morning to confirm a promise I am still clinging to.
At this turning point, my word for 2015 "hope" became 2016 "believe". I posted the following thoughts online:
A new chapter is beginning... finally... after so much wrestling. Doubt is giving way to belief, limitation yielding to possibility. It's a new day and these words from worship this morning couldn't have been more timely... "my mourning grew quiet, my feet rose to dance". Here's to not only hoping, but believing.
A few days later, I came across Psalm 30:11-12: “You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing... that I might be able to sing praises to You and not be silent.” I began to understand that God was calling me to share what He was doing in my life through the story He is weaving together. And I have been doing this as best I can for the past 4 years.
I suppose I feel like I’m jumping into the middle of a conversation because, really, I am. This is an ongoing discussion with the Lord that I’m sharing bits and pieces of here, as the inspiration comes and as He guides. So I’m going to stop assuming that you’re reading fresh, and hope that you’ve read from the beginning. That you're familiar with the story and here for the continuing conversation.
For today, I can say this: There is absolutely nothing like realizing you're really seen by God. When you feel seen by Him, you see Him a little better too. You understand how much He loves you, pursues you, and values you as His daughter or son.
She gave this name to the Lord who spoke to her: "You are the God who sees me," for she said, "I have now seen the One who sees me." (Genesis 16:13)
Matthew Henry shares some thoughts on this exchange between Hagar and the God who saw her:
He that is all-seeing is ever-living; he lives and sees us.
Those that are graciously admitted into communion with God, and receive seasonable comforts from him, should tell others what he has done for their souls, that they also may be encouraged to seek him and trust in him.
God's gracious manifestations of himself to us are to be had in everlasting remembrance by us, and should never be forgotten.
January 3, 2016 is a day that will never be forgotten. I will keep telling others what He's done for my soul. And I'm so thankful that He lives and sees me.