Threads of Hope

I'm doing something new. I've been feeling the nudge to tell more of my story for about a year now. The one that is securely tucked away into countless pages of journals I've filled, morning by morning, year after year.

As someone who best processes aloud, there has always been plenty of sharing. Through I-can’t-keep-this-to-myself conversations with close friends. Through carefully crafted Instagram posts. Through only-God moments with complete strangers. But moving to this space, I hope to pull back the curtains a bit, and give insight to those who have not experienced infertility and hope to those in the lonely midst of it.

It's time to dust off the journals and get vulnerable.

This is the private me. The hours spent at the kitchen table wrestling with the Lord. Fighting with Him. Asking Him why? When? Begging Him to change His plan, and then yielding to it over and over again. These are the writings from our seven year journey of trying to start a family. Eighty-four months of waiting and more waiting.

In 2012, James and I celebrated 3 years of marriage and we began dreaming of a house full of littles. I had been off birth control for a year at that point, so we were starry-eyed and sure that in a matter of months we'd be pregnant. But each month rolled by, turning into a full year, with no success.

We began 2013 with the decision to be more intentional and actually start tying. This included leaving an 11-year full-time job to freelance from home, believing that a decrease in stress would allow my body to "play ball". To that effort, I also added checking my temperature, timing and planning, and charting. All of this felt new and exciting at the time, and my hope buoyed at the thought that these actions would bring results.

In a journal entry early that year I wrote "God I know in my heart of hearts that You are preparing the way for James and I right now. Please continue to go before us, making the path straight with every step we take and help us to trust You. Continue to steer us. We need Your wisdom and power so desperately. We know You are at work, but help us to see and hear more clearly."

I couldn't shake the words "go before" out of my head.

But you will not leave in haste or go in flight; for the Lord will go before you, the God of Israel will be your rear guard. (Isaiah 52:12)

You are my strength, I watch for you; you, God, are my fortress, my God on whom I can rely. God will go before me... (Psalm 59:9-10)

And they will tell the inhabitants of this land about it. They have already heard that you, Lord, are with these people and that you, Lord, have been seen face to face, that your cloud stays over them, and that you go before them in a pillar of cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night. (Numbers 14:14)

God's manifest presence went before His people, before every step they took. I prayed: God help us to look for You this way! To see where You are moving so vividly that we know exactly what to do next.

A footnote took me to Exodus 23:20: “See, I am sending an angel ahead of you to guard you along the way and to bring you to the place I have prepared.

This was a thread of hope to hang onto. God will bring us to the place He has prepared. I thanked the Lord for the vivid picture and asked Him to simply go before us. To prepare the way as only He can and as He sees fit. Father, as You go before, we will follow. We will look and listen for You.

When he has brought all his own sheep out, he goes ahead of them, and the sheep follow him because they recognize his voice. (John 10:4)

"Take heart! it could not be better to stay when He determines otherwise; and if the loving hand of our Lord puts us forth, it must be well. On, in His name, to green pastures and still waters and mountain heights! He goeth before thee. Whatever awaits us is encountered first by Him. Faith’s eye can always discern His majestic presence in front; and when that cannot be seen, it is dangerous to move forward. Bind this comfort to your heart, that the Savior has tried for Himself all the experiences through which He asks you to pass; and He would not ask you to pass through them unless He was sure that they were not too difficult for your feet, or too trying for your strength." — Streams In The Desert

That morning, my faith was bolstered and it has been fortified more times than I can count throughout this winding-road struggle with delayed fertility.

These are my threads of hope. My prayer is to be real and relentless in pointing you to God and His Word. I hope you’ll join me for the journey.