A Crisis of Belief
2014 would prove to be a year of dream crushing as I began to pray things like: God you are hearing all my prayers except for the one where I really want to be pregnant and have a baby. You must not be ready to give that to me, so I’m not going to waste my energy on that anymore.
A quiet, almost imperceptible hardening of my heart in that area followed. Oh I prayed for other things and people, but that little longing got locked away somewhere it couldn't hurt me. I focused on keeping myself together and strong, but when people asked about our baby situation, the responses I knew to say—like “God is sovereign” and “His timing is perfect”—were in fact cloaked with bitterness. I couldn't see all the hopelessness that was oozing in like black sludge around my soul.
I didn't journal much that year. Writing out the really deep desires of my heart made me feel too vulnerable, so I allowed other things to consume the morning hours that were once a time of penned conversation with God.
Then came January 2015, when James and I started to focus on a healthier marriage and two very dear friends became our mentors, faithfully taking us through ReEngage. Over time, something began to shift in my heart and hope began to sprout again. In fact, I claimed “hope” as my word for the year... got my very first Giving Key and everything.
At the recommendation of my ob, we scheduled an HSG (hysterosalpingogram) to look further into our conception troubles. Two years of trying and nothing to show for it meant surely something was physically wrong, right?
The HSG flushed clean in seconds. No blockages in my fallopian tubes. You'd think a good report would bring relief, but all it left me with was more questions. What is the problem then? What's next? God, why won't you give us answers? My frustrations erupted into tears that spilled out on the bathroom floor of that clinic in Tupelo. But I was resolved to cling to the hope rising in my heart after a year of pushing it away. Little did I know, the Lord was preparing me for a crisis of belief.
A crisis of belief is not a calamity in your life, but a turning point where you must make a decision. You must decide what you truly believe about God. — Henry Blackaby, Experiencing God
In the months that followed, I became well acquainted with Clomid, acupuncture, and supplements. There was a stirring of both physical and spiritual developments taking place.
On Good Friday, a friend of James' shared a vision he'd had of me holding a baby while leading worship. We weren't new to visions, but it had been a very long time since anyone had shared anything of the sort in either of our lives. A few months later a dear friend texted me, "I was just reading this and felt like it was for you too."
Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. (Psalm 27:14)
As I began to push through the bitterness of the previous year and let myself actually feel my longings again, the word “believe” began to chase me down. I couldn’t get away from it. It was coming up in podcasts, sermons, conversations, and bible study. And then, at the end of October—my birthday month—the Lord gave me a gift that turned everything on its head.
I opened the mail to a handwritten card from a friend (who does that anymore unless it’s divinely inspired right?). In it she wrote, "I pray for you everyday, and this is the verse."
Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said will be accomplished. (Luke 1:45)
Reading that card, I just stared at it... a bit bewildered. My eyes hung on the familiar word "believed" and I felt the Lord say, “Do you believe I have this for you? Do you believe I can give you a baby?” My immediate and honest response: "I don't know. But Lord, help my unbelief."
I remember that moment like it happened yesterday. Every time I think back to it, I'm thankful that I could admit the doubt and ask for His help. I'm thankful that He gave me an opportunity to increase in faith, just by asking for more of it. And I'm thankful that this is a prayer God loves to answer.
There are times when we find ourselves caught in the middle between faith and unbelief. We know in our heads that God can answer our prayers and that He is good, but we struggle to believe for those things in our hearts. We know that technically God can answer our prayers, but we’re not so sure that He will.
In Mark 9, "a father desperately seeks healing for his son with an evil spirit. He’s tried everything in his own power, he’s tried the church, he’s even tried the disciples... until at last, when everything else has failed, it’s just him and Jesus. There’s nothing left but a feeble, 'Help me if you can' (see Mark 9:22).
After Jesus responds to him with power and authority, the father immediately and honestly beseeches Jesus to fill the gap between belief and unbelief. 'I believe; help my unbelief!' (Mark 9:24). Such a perfect and simple response. Raw faith combined with the confession that he needed Christ to attain the far more perfect faith he craved. And Jesus answered him with a wonderful miracle, because miracles are born of faith." — Desiring God
I believe God wants us to face our crisis' of belief head on. Where there is doubt, Christ stands ready to dispel it. The glorious reality is that it’s not the strength of our faith that causes God to answer prayers, but it's His steadfast love for us. He loves us even when our faith is frail and weak. He delights in us even when we’re teetering on the knife-edge between faith and unbelief.
We should never be afraid to cry out to the Lord, “help my unbelief!” He won’t turn a deaf ear to that prayer. When belief and unbelief collide, turn your eyes to the One your belief comes from, the source and object of your faith. Personal contact with Jesus drives away unbelief. Seek his face. Pray desperately and expectantly. Let your feeble faith cling to the mighty God. Ask for deliverance from unbelief even before asking for deliverance from your circumstances.
The bottom line: If you have even the smallest bit of faith, God can do mighty things. If you don't believe me, I so hope you'll keep reading.