He is With Me
Throughout 2013 I was trying my darndest to figure out the work-life-balance thing and looking for God to answer my prayers (and efforts) for a baby. Every month had its challenges and the strain was getting to our marriage. My eyes were all over the place, and my heart was overwhelmed by everything that I couldn't control. Things that weren’t quite fitting together the way I'd imagined.
I was pretty quiet about our struggle to start a family. I didn't talk about it because it honestly made me feel insecure. Insecure about dodging the questions. Insecure about being 33. Insecure about being an older parent. That's why what I share next means so much to me.
In the fall, I led a worship song called Not for a Moment for the first time. Ever feel like a lyric was written just for you? These were written for me and I begged my soul to believe every word:
You were singing in the dark
Whispering Your promise
Even when I could not hear
I was held in Your arms
Carried for a thousand miles to show
Not for a moment did You forsake me
After all You are constant
After all You are only good
After all You are sovereign
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Not for a moment will You forsake me
And every step every breath you are there
Every tear every cry every prayer
In my hurt at my worst
When my world falls down
Not for a moment will You forsake me
After the service, a pregnant woman I hadn't met before found me and asked to pray over me. I’ll never forget her words as she placed her hands on my belly: You are not forgotten. He hasn’t forsaken You. You aren’t just going to have a child, but children. Completely stunned, I thanked her for the encouragement and tucked the treasure away, unsure of what else to do with it.
One of my last journal entries that year began in Isaiah:
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. (Isaiah 43:2)
How I needed this timely verse. I dug in. A commentary stated that this mention of waters was probably an allusion to the Red Sea (Exodus 14:21-22) and the Jordan River (Joshua 3:14-17). In both instances, God parted the waters to show His power to a people who needed to be reminded of it.
I went back to read the previous verse:
But now, this is what the Lord says—he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. (Isaiah 43:1)
This reminded me of the song Oceans... "When oceans rise, my soul will rest in Your embrace. For I am Yours and You are mine".
In these 2 verses, the Lord assures His people that they need not fear, because He who created, formed, redeemed, and called them will be with them in the flood and fire.
The path of cross-references took me over to Matthew 14:29-31:
“Come,” he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”
My mind wondered about Peter seeing the wind. How often do I look at the wind? My circumstances. The situations I simply can't control, that might potentially bring harm or difficulty with them.
Peter went from walking toward Jesus, with eyes set on Him, to looking at the situation he was in. He got distracted from the thing he was focused on.
William MacDonald wrote, "the Christian life, like walking on water, is humanly impossible. It can only be lived by the power of the Holy Spirit—not naturally, but supernaturally. As long as we look away from every other object to Jesus alone, we can experience a supernatural life. The minute we become preoccupied with ourselves or our circumstances, we begin to sink. Then we must cry to Christ for restoration and divine enablement."
This quote brought to mind the familiar words, "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith..." (Hebrews 12:2)
Moving through this scene between Peter and Jesus, I think about how Peter began to sink and Jesus reached out to him immediately. This was something that could only be done because He was with him. He was near enough to catch him that there was NO lapse in time. That close.
This quick reaction also shows how much Jesus loved Peter. He wanted to completely wipe the disciple's fear away by showing up for him, by being his hero. Just like He wants to be mine. Surely, Peter walked away from this incident forever changed... his faith in Christ multiplied by 10 that day. The day Jesus came through. Jesus was trustworthy and Peter could stake his life on it.
Finally, I note the question that Jesus asks: “why did you doubt?”
Jesus gently rebukes Peter's double-mindedness. He had believed enough to get out of the boat and then lost that same belief when he saw the wind. It made him unstable.
I followed the word "doubt" to James 1:6-8:
But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.
The one who doubts... should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Strong words here, Lord. Do I doubt You? Show me where or how I doubt You! I don't want to miss out on Your answer or blessing because of my doubt.
Lord, help me to set my gaze on You alone and nothing else. Help me not to be double-minded, but to stay focused on You. On Your nearness to me. On Your redeeming, rescuing love for me.
With my eyes fixed on You, I will see my faith authored and perfected. You are writing the book on my faith... crossing each "t", dotting each "i” with sovereign skill. You are working through every weakness in my story to make sure it's a work of art that brings You glory.
Deep down... that's what I want more than anything. To be used for His glory. To experience the same closeness and love Peter felt with Jesus. To believe and not be afraid, no matter how high the waves. Because when I see Him, the doubt fades away and I realize once again that He hasn’t left me alone after all. Not for a moment. He is with me. I am His and He is mine.