Selah and Being Still

A friend sent a blog post from a mother who had struggled with infertility and finally had a baby girl she named Selah. At first I thought, "Oh that’s so pretty and we always wanted a musical name." Knowing the word was found all throughout the Psalms, I studied it's meaning a little more deeply: wait, rest, think on this. It’s the pause in the singing. The interlude. Considering all I was feeling in my desperate waiting and longing to start a family, I felt an intensely strong connection to the word.

The next morning, I hesitantly asked James what he thought about Selah Joseph and he shrugged a muttered, “Yeh, it’s cool”. I grinned and without pushing it anymore (but secretly knowing it was now on the top of my list), tucked it away for another conversation at another time.

I had been fasting and the Lord was quiet. It felt like a holy hush had fallen over the end of September 2016. I wondered if this was how the Israelites felt when the angel of God and the pillar of cloud that had been traveling in front of them, withdrew and went to the back. To a place where they could no longer see the presence of God and had to trust what He was doing that they couldn’t see. The Israelites' front guide had now become their rear guard.

Then the angel of God, who had been traveling in front of Israel’s army, withdrew and went behind them. The pillar of cloud also moved from in front and stood behind them, coming between the armies of Egypt and Israel. Throughout the night the cloud brought darkness to the one side and light to the other side; so neither went near the other all night long. (Exodus 14:19-20)

Psalm 105:39 says "He spread out a cloud as a covering, and a fire to give light at night." This covering was a shield of darkness to protect Israel from the pursuit of the Egyptians. They had to keep moving forward and trust that God was working, even though they couldn't see His presence.

Studying this reminded me of the Lord's words from January 3rd: "Don't doubt in the darkness what I spoke in the light."

In my darkness that feels like that of the Israelites, You have given me Your word. I may not see You. I may not feel You. But You are still working. Maybe You are protecting me even now as I wait in hope. As my eyes strain to stay fixed on You and confusion surrounds, You're here. You won't leave me or forsake me. You are preparing and You've asked me to prepare. Father, I pray that I have been found faithful to do that in Your eyes. I have struggled to understand all You meant, but have tried my best to stay in step with Your leading. Help me to trust what I can't see. You are still with me, working all things out for my good and Your glory.

The Lord kept bringing me to “Be still... Hold your peace”. I felt He was mostly talking about my mind and heart, but maybe He was telling me to be still practically too. I wanted to call the doctor for answers, fix the issue, do something... but do nothing Lord... really? I began asking for more wisdom.

The end of my fast was coming, the days counting down. I was growing anxious about not seeing any visible answers to my prayers. But things aren't always what they seem. Father, help me to remember that faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. These are the days my faith needs to be strengthened. I trust You to give what I need.

The month had held a certain level of expectation around the significance of seven. I had boldy prayed for the fulfillment of God's promise to coincide with mine and James' 7th anniversary. I'd started my last period early on September 7th and thought that maybe the Lord was correcting my cycle for a pregnancy. On the last day of September, James and I were walking a paved trail and when I stopped to tie my shoe, I found myself standing on a painted number 7. So random. Or was it? Maybe You are about to do the impossible, Lord!

That same day, God led me to another mention of “be still” in Psalm 46:10 and the moment I read it I knew it was meant to shift my attention off myself and onto Him. This wasn't just about calming my heart and mind. It seemed as if He was saying to me with a special emphasis on the pronoun "I", "Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations. I will be exalted in the earth. Know that I have you and am working all things out. My aim is to be exalted and glorified, dear one. I am going to do this... as you cease striving and begin to understand Who I Am."

Going back to the Exodus 14 "be still" and the Red Sea miracle, I came across some commentary from Matthew Henry:

God can bring his people through the greatest difficulties, and force a way where there seems to be none. He is tied to NO laws! Where God leads us He will light us, while we follow His commands we will not be in want of His comforts. This was done and recorded in order to encourage God's people in all ages to trust Him in the greatest straits. What can't He do who did this?

My fast started with clenched fists and bold demands, but I found myself ending it with open hands and a desire to receive whatever He wanted to give. The beauty of God's word and its fulfillment is that it is completely dependent on Him. It's about His name, His glory, His doing. We can only wait. And know that though we may be allowed to be sifted like wheat by the enemy, Jesus has prayed for us that our faith may not fail. (Luke 22:31)