The Sound of a Heavy Rain
My September fast came to an end and I took a pregnancy test in faith, hoping with all my heart, "Maybe the miracle will happen now." It was negative.
The questions erupted: Father, why would You orchestrate so many significant moments throughout the month if You weren't going to let me become pregnant? It doesn't make any sense. Why God? And what do I do with this unyielding shred of hope You've given me?
I wrestled with the pain and disappointment, until they gave way to childlike trust again.
I have cried so much along this journey that I don't feel like crying anymore. I'm tired of this dry, desert place. Lord, please don't let my heart become hard. I'm just so weary... I don't understand.
What about all the 7's? I thought those might mean something. Am I grasping at straws You never meant for me to hold?
Maybe You did all those things because it's the only way I could learn something new. You took me through a refining fire, and I don't understand the outcome. I just feel lost in a barren wilderness. Help me to stay submitted and yielded. Help me not to despise, but to love the government of the Holy Spirit in my life.
When I shared news of the negative pregnancy test with my tribe, one friend replied:
Keep standing on His promises. There are sometimes waits in between the promise given and it's fulfillment. For instance, James' dream and your healing has happened, but the wait isn't over. He's not done working. Don't doubt the promise, but continue to claim it because it will all happen in His perfect time.
Then she shared the story about Elijah and his servant on Mount Carmel from 1 Kings 18:37-46. I studied it a bit and loved this snippet from John Piper:
A little bit of setting. It’s been about one hundred years since King David ruled a united Israel. The kingdom is now divided between Israel in the North and Judah in the South. Ahab is king. He has forsaken Yahweh, the true God, and worships the idol Baal. His wife is the infamous Jezebel. God’s leading prophet at the time is Elijah. There has been famine in the land for three years, and, as far as Ahab is concerned, Elijah is to blame.
Elijah had said in 1 Kings 17:1, “As the Lord, the God of Israel, lives, before whom I stand, there shall be neither dew nor rain these years, except by my word.” But now things are about to change. “After many days the word of the Lord came to Elijah, in the third year, saying, ‘Go, show yourself to Ahab, and I will send rain upon the earth.’” (1 Kings 18:1)
That’s going to happen. God says it will. But don’t make the mistake of thinking that, because God says something is surely going to happen, there doesn't have to be intervening means to bring it about. If God ordains the end, He ordains the means to get there. And what a showdown is going to take place in order for this rain to show up.
Fast forward to verse 41, and Elijah heard "the sound of a heavy rain" before he could even see it. He knew God had promised it and it was coming. IT WAS JUST A MATTER OF TIME. He sent his servant to go and look toward the sea. Seven times Elijah said, “Go back.” The seventh time the servant reported, “A cloud as small as a man’s hand is rising from the sea.” After that, the sky grew black with clouds, the wind rose, and a heavy rain started falling.
God did what He said He would do. Elijah never doubted, but took God at His word.
Another friend texted and I sobbed when I saw the familiar verse the Lord led me to the previous month:
Love you so much, Candace! As I sat with my bible this morning I started in Psalm 18, but God kept leading me further into Psalm. I landed at Psalm 46:10... and the NASB version is a unique phrasing. Read it and then look at the brackets...
"Cease striving [or let go, relax] and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."
As I've prayed for you I hear Him saying, "I have her. I want her to rest in what I've already told her. I want her to cease striving to put all the pieces together and just relax". Girl. It's so scary for me to send this because it's not how I feel. But I have wrestled with Him for 30 minutes and it's clear He wants me to tell you this.
So I am praying over you today that all He has already told you and James will literally be a blanket of peace y'all can cozy up under. I don't know why He's waiting to deliver on the promise. But what I know is He wants for you and James to let go, relax, cease striving and receive. He has this! I love you! Praying against all doubt. All discouragement. All tactics the enemy will use to keep attempting to defeat y'all.
I accepted this as the gift He meant it to be: A reminder to hold on a little longer. To listen for the rain. The answer is coming. You've told me so... "Prepare. Your promise is on the way."
And my soul was restored as the lyrics of What a Beautiful Name filled the room:
You have no rival, You have no equal
Now and forever, Our God reigns
Yours is the Kingdom, Yours is the glory
Yours is the Name, above all names
What a powerful Name it is
What a powerful Name it is
The Name of Jesus Christ my King
Jesus, You will heal these scars from my battle with infertility. You'll bind up the wounds You've inflicted. (Isaiah 30:26) You've allowed them for a purpose greater than my understanding, but You have the power to heal, to open, to bring life. Harvest time will come. You will bring a heavy rain to this barren place. And I'll be listening and watching for it.
It isn't lost on me... the Lord's sovereignty that I'm sharing this journal page today while our world as we know it has flipped upside-down. Three years ago, I could never have known we'd be facing a pandemic that is elevating both terror and tenderness among us.
I have felt full of faith in a good God who loves us, while also experiencing the anxiety that is ricocheting off every surface of this fallen world. What confusing times! What a wilderness experience for us all, and yet He is calling us to come. To come together. To come and listen.
Whether it's this pandemic, a confusing season, or any other battle that's leaving you discouraged... He wants to meet you in your wilderness. In your wandering, He is there. He is Emmanuel, and He IS the rain for our dry and thirsty souls. I don't know when He will end this time of trouble, but He gives us Himself. He will make a way in the wilderness. He will make rivers in the desert. It's just a matter of time. Let's keep our eyes and ears on Him and keep trusting, friends.