A Miracle 7 Years in the Making

I've been busy over here, writing out the threads of hope—the scriptures, encouragement, notes, and prayers—that have carried me for so long. And that’s because of one very special reason. I've been preparing to share a secret...

James and I are expecting a baby!!!

But I’m getting a little ahead of myself. I have to rewind a bit and tell this story starting at the beginning of 2019, because there is so much glory wrapped up in every part of it. I’m actually shaking my head in awe as I write these words. This story has been written so perfectly, because it's how He planned it.

I want to mention a turning point in late 2018, when the Lord impressed on me that I needed to trust His timing and let the Holy Spirit lead us to our next steps through my husband. Being 5 years older and "the one with the issue" made this a very challenging ask for me. But the verse He kept bringing me back to was, "In the time of my favor I will answer you..." (Isaiah 49:8a).

January

In January, I was trusting... but anxious. My 40th birthday was looming ahead, and James and I would be celebrating 10 years of marriage. With no baby in sight. We were now entering into our 7th year of trying to start a family. I really believed that God had promised us a child, but I was getting to the end of my rope with the waiting. How much more could I endure? 

After James and I talked through where we were emotionally and financially, we still weren't quite sure what to do next. Up to that point, we had gone through 5 unsuccessful Intrauterine Inseminations (IUI’s), an extensive surgery, acupuncture, fertility-boosting products and foods—you name it, we had probably tried it. Ultimately, we were advised by my doctor that our one last option to have biological children was through In Vitro Fertilization (IVF).

April-July

After a few months of praying for direction and meetings with our specialist and an adoption agency, James and I believed IVF was what was next in our journey toward parenthood. We had so much peace and I knew the Lord had answered my prayers for James to lead us. Our biggest hurdle now was the expense of the procedure. It had to be paid in full upfront, and wasn't covered by our insurance company.

Miraculously, and with the help of our family and friends, we were fully funded the very day before transfer. God was so good! The entire step of faith covered by the faithfulness of the Lord and our village. We felt like He had "split the sea so we could walk right through it", as the song says.

Two months of prodding, poking and injections, were followed by the successful implantation of an embryo. We were PUPO or pregnant until proven otherwise, and we celebrated this exciting milestone with those who were cheering us on. Finally, we were ALL going to see our miracle fulfilled.

August

On August 14th, we eagerly watched the clock, waiting for the phone call with our pregnancy results. Did it work? Surely it'll be positive. We followed You here, God! Right? You made a way where there was no way. Do what You promised! We wrestled with the questions and were resolved to accept that whatever answer was given as part of God's plan for us. We hoped with everything that this would be the time.

It wasn't.

We grieved that our baby was not to be.

A friend texted me that day, "This is what I am hearing. Two days ago, God told me it was finished. That the Heavens were in agreement, but in my heart I'm not sure if that meant this time." I didn't know what to do with this at that moment, but I didn't ignore it.

The day we shared the news publically, a couple we love who have walked a similar road, sent us an email that shook our spirits. We thanked them for holding us and our case up to the Lord when we didn't have the strength to. A few words from that email:

Recently I heard a strong and loud cry coming from the hearts of many of God's people in their secret place with the Lord. They were crying out "Jesus, I don't know what else to do to step into the breakthrough and promises you have for me."

There was such an intense frustration, despair and disappointment bubbling up in the hearts of God's people. They have tried everything. They have done all they know to do. Every avenue has been exhausted and a deep frustration has entered their hearts, leaving a despair and a feeling of hopelessness that they didn't think their promise manifested could feel any further away, and suddenly it has.

That's when I heard the Lord reply, "You are now entering the midnight zone where I, the God of wonders will meet you. I have brought you to the place where I am your only option. I am going to be your hero! Put your hope in Me! I will NOT fail you! I am about to do what only I can do."

In the weeks that followed, I asked the Lord, "What do we do now?" And I heard Him whisper, "What was the last thing I said to you from my Word. Not from a dream or vision or word of encouragement from someone else. What did I speak?"I knew immediately He was referring to "In the time of my favor I will answer you..." (Isaiah 49:8a) and reminding me to trust His timing. And as I wondered about what He'd spoken to James, I remembered him sharing about the parable of the persistent widow from Luke 18:1-8 and that he sensed the Lord was giving him permission to "bother Him". To simply keep praying and believing.So for many reasons, we didn't feel the need to "do" anything other than the last thing God said. But I did spend many days crying out, talking honestly with the Author of my story. Paul Tripp wrote:

Thankfully I am not the author of my own personal story. Your story isn’t an autobiography either. Your story is a biography of wisdom and grace written by Another. Every turn He writes into your story is right. Every twist of the plot is for the best. Every new character or unexpected event is a tool of his grace. Each new chapter advances His purpose. — New Morning Mercies

It took months to recover from the heartbreak. We had never felt more one, at peace, and in cooperation with God and each other. We'd never felt such an overwhelming amount of love and support from so many family, friends and strangers alike. If James and I could tell you about all the details that miraculously fell into place (even beyond our fundraiser being met), you might comprehend the height of our expectation and the depth of our despair. It was a rollercoaster.

We didn't know what would happen next, but we tried our best to remember that God had a plan for us and the desire of our hearts. I read 2 Corinthians 4:17 and reminded myself that, looking from a kingdom perspective, this years-long struggle with infertility was a light and momentary trouble that was achieving for us an eternal glory. That it provided an opportunity for God to display His power in our weakness. And so we resolved to not lose heart, even though we couldn't see the full picture.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:16-18)

James said to me "A few years from now we could be holding a baby thinking it was worth it all. We will get through this. Christ will be strong in us. Our faith and the faith of others will be strengthened."

September-October

September came as scheduled with our 10th anniversary to celebrate. Then October came with our birthdays, mine moving me into my 40s. James planned a California getaway for us and covered every detail as a gift to me. It was an amazing time of refreshing, relaxing, and just enjoying every moment with each other. And it was so needed.

Later that month, I received a random message from a woman I'd met years ago who had been seeing a naturopathic nutritionist that had been so helpful for her. She didn't know it, but that nutritionist's name had come up at least 3 times to me since 2016. If you've been reading our story from the beginning, you'll remember how God speaks to me in repetition—usually in 3s. When I heard her name again, I felt the Holy Spirit's nudge. James and I talked and decided it would be good to focus on my health over the next few months, especially in light of all the hormones that had been dumped into my body through IVF. My first appointment was in early November. We didn't know that less than 2 weeks later, something amazing was about to happen... but I'm jumping ahead again.

November

Throughout November, I was meeting with a group of women as we made our way through trauma healing. I was studying the power of praise and thanksgiving. Of opening my mouth to worship and declare the Lord's promises over my life. Proverbs 18:21b says "the tongue has the power of life and death". Prayers like these filled my journal pages:

Father, I have suffered long in waiting. I'm not sure how well I've waited. It's been so hard to navigate the countless setbacks and trauma to my faith. But I know You are with me. Yes, my reality is 7 years of barrenness with no sign that things will ever change. Yes, I'm not living in the promises I've believed for. Yes, I'm tired and would really like to just breathe.

But I know that I know... You are here in this place with me. I am hurting but hoping. I acknowledge reality in the same breath that I acknowledge Your sovereignty. I will tie my hope to Your unchanging character and that You promise my good. My hope isn't tied to my expectations finally being met in my way or my timing. It's isn't tied to my circumstances changing.

Because I trust You, I am blessed. You will turn to me and hear my cry (Psalm 40:1-4). You'll turn my cries into a new song and I will keep moving forward. Thank You for never leaving me alone. I trust Your presence in the process and surrender all to You. 

December

In early December, I was a day late... then another. This had happened many times, so thinking nothing of it, I added to my journal one morning: Father, we yet wait for You to carry out what You spoke three years ago. That You are preparing a place physically, emotionally, and spiritually—for the fulfillment of Your promise. You told me not to doubt in the darkness what You spoke in the light. I believe you meant for me to have something to hold onto even in the darkest days of IUI, IVF, and every bitter pill in between. I know You are faithful and Your word, however it comes to pass, will not return void. It will be accomplished.

On the third morning being late, I woke up wide awake at 7am to the thought: "Go take a pregnancy test." Um, ok Lord but I've been late before so this is probably nothing. I left James in bed and went to grab an expired test. That's how little I thought of this notion! Laying it on the counter out of sight and setting the timer, I put in my contacts and brushed my teeth.

When the timer went off, I looked over and there were 2 solid lines! I just stared at the test, shaking my head. This can't be right. It's probably because it's expired. I took it downstairs, proceeded to Google "expired positive pregnancy test" (which I learned is almost never a false positive), and decided to take another. I found one that wasn't expired and tried again, leaving that one in the half bath while I wrote the following in my journal:

I'm waiting on the results of a second pregnancy test, because the first expired one was positive. I really have no more words right now. But Father, please cover me with Your peace...

That test was also positive! Hands shaking. Heart racing. Mind not able to grasp reality, I walked in a daze back up the stairs to our master bathroom. I took photos of the two tests and tried to think about what to do next. The shock was paralyzing! James wasn't quite awake yet, so I started making some noise until I heard him moving. Then I peeked out of the bathroom and asked "Are you awake yet?" He mumbled "Getting there" and I responded "Ok, well put your glasses on. There's something I need to show you."

Mind you, this is not at all what I saw myself saying or doing all these many years of waiting. Any clever plans I had were drowned out by the sound of my pounding heart.

He was barely standing when I bounded around the corner of the bed and shoved the tests into his hand. Looking at them and then back at me, he sat back down and said "Is this real?" At which point, I started crying "I don't know! Is it? I don't know what's going on!?!" We were a sight. It was the most imperfectly perfect pregnancy discovery I could never have imagined. And it was the best!

When I did the math on when we would've conceived, it was Thanksgiving weekend. This sweet miracle babe's life began in a month bathed with thankfulness and trust in a plan I couldn't see unfolding. While I was opening my mouth in praise, the Lord was opening my womb. And this baby is coming into our arms exactly one year after our failed IVF. One last note: Our promise was answered just before the end of our 7-year infertility journey. Seven. A number used throughout the Bible to represent completion and fulfillment.

Overwhelmed with all of that information, I worshipped the Lord. You've done it. You did what You said You would do. You've turned my mourning into dancing that I might sing your praise and not be silent. Oh how I thank you, Father! We have finally received the most precious gift—life. Our hands will stay open in praise and surrender. We will be stewards and caretakers of what You give, but we pray for You to finish what You've started. Bring it to a glorious finish!

I leave the positive tests out on my counter and see the vibrant pink lines. I see my belly (and appetite!) growing each day. This isn't a dream. He has done what He promised and written our story perfectly. And I am able to share that this baby, a miracle 7 years in the making, will be coming into the world August 2020.

Because He is an Author that can be trusted. Because He writes the best stories. Because He is good and His love endures forever.

Oh magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt his name together! (Psalm 34:3)